What You Learn in College: A Schedulic Summary (Co-Written by Jesse Rothman)

Warning: This piece has very, very little to do with politics.

My twin-ish brother, Jesse, and I have been out of college for a year now, and we wanted to take this opportunity to re-cap all of the valuable things we learned.

College

8:10-9:00: Different People Are Different.[1]

9:30-10:45: Different Cells Are Different.[2]

11:00-11:50: Different Genders Aren’t Different, Or Else They Are If You’re Into that.[3]

12:00-12:45: Different Foods Are Different.[4]

1:00-2:30: Different Colors Interact Differently.[5]

3:00-3:50: Different People Just Want To Buy Different Things.[6]

4:00-4:50: Different Wars Aren’t All That Different.[7]

5:00-5:07: Different Skinny Jeans Don’t Have Different Ontological Effects on Most of the World.[8]

5:12-6:00: Different Social Groups Sit in Different Places.[9]

6:00-7:30: Different Beeps Sound Good with Different Boodly-waps.[10]

8:00-9:30: Different Parts of the Library Are Used Differently for Different Sorts of Tactics to Win Over Different Sorts of Romantic Partners.[11]

10:00-Midnight: Different TV Shows Go Well with Different Sorts of Drugs.[12]

Midnight-2:56 AM: Internet.[13]

Key:

[1] Anthropology

[2] Science

[3] Gender Studies/Queer Theory

[4] Lunch

[5] Studio Art and/or Critical Race Theory

[6] Neo-liberal Economics

[7] International Relations

[8] Post-ironic cigarette break outside of the dining hall

[9] Dinner. Those freaking hipsters almost threw off our schedule. “5:07.” Fuckers.

[10] Skype and/or A Capella Practice

[11] Studying.

[12] Time with your friends and/or roommates and/or roommates’ friends.

[13] Internet. Fuck. It’s almost three. Planet Earth. Fuck.

—

On a personal note, because this blog is all about blurring the personal and the political, Jesse is leaving the region tonight, after having been my roommate, thought-partner, support-system and best friend for the past year (all of which he will continue to be, except roommate). Jess- I love you so much. Travel safe. Also, now you really have to start guest posting, so as to give Middle East readers real-time updates from the Middle West, word?